


BioWHAT!?: A Bioshock Parody

by Amsare



Category: BioShock
Genre: Crack, Explosions, Gen, Nonsense, Parody, Would You Kindly (BioShock)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-03
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2018-09-02 20:03:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8681566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amsare/pseuds/Amsare
Summary: The Would You Kindly activation phrase works too well in the game: have you ever wondered why Jack says nothing at all? That’s why. Or, the story where Suchong didn’t do a perfect job making Jack and Fontaine is the one who has to deal with him.





	1. Welcome To Rapture

Johnny’s life had ended right under his eyes but Frank Fontaine was no sentimental – he couldn’t care less in that moment. All that matter was the sound of the bathysphere travelling from the lighthouse down to Rapture. His ace in the hole was coming, he was coming down to make his evil plan real.  
   
Jack was the name Suchong had chosen; he had read it on a newspaper. _Who cares of his name,_ Fontaine had said, _he must be an invincible killing machine._ And in the end, Jack had came out okay: tall, broad shoulders, he seemed to be a fit young man. People in Rapture were artists or doctors smaller than him: easy targets to kill.  
   
_Andrew Ryan, your time has come._  
   
As the crazy lady who had killed Johnny screamed and made her splicer show, Fontaine couldn’t contain his excitement, laughing where he was hiding; he lit on a cigarette and looked at the screen, waiting for the boy to appear on it.  
   
The woman got closer just for a moment, destroying the electric circuits of the bathyspheres, before leaving it alone.  
   
“Are you there?” Fontaine asked talking into his short-wave radio, even if there was no sign of Jack. Maybe he was a little shaken up, totally understandable.  
   
“Would you kindly pick up that short-wave radio?” Fontaine tried talking again.  
   
The radio cracked, “hello?” Jack finally answered him, even if he hadn’t come out of the bathysphere yet. “I’m Jack. Can you hear me?”  
   
“Yes, I can hear you…” Fontaine reassured him as he threw the ash off his cigarette and kept talking to Jack, “listen, I don't know how you survived that plane crash, but I've never been one to question Providence.” He smirked, enjoying the feeling of telling another lie. “I'm Atlas, and I aim to keep you alive. Now keep on moving... we're gonna have to get you to higher ground. Take a deep breath and step out of the Bathysphere. I won't leave you twisting in the wind.”  
   
“What?! I ain’t getting out of this thing!” Jack exclaimed; Fontaine could tell from his voice he was panicking.  
   
That was unexpected.  
   
“And why should I believe you? I don’t- I don’t…” Jack laughed isterically, “I was on a fucking plane ten minutes go!”  
   
Okay, that was even stranger.  
   
Fontaine’s smile had frozen on his face. He threw his cigarette on the floor, trying to calm down his rage; he hadn’t spent all those money to make an annoying child.  
   
_Suchong, you bastard._  
   
He looked at the activation phrase written on a paper he had in his pocket – _Would You Kindly_ – and he thought just for a moment if it wasn’t the right one… But that couldn’t be! Jack had arrived in Rapture only through the WYK order. “Listen, boyo, we’re gonna help each other, okay? Don’t panic now.”  
   
Jack snorted in the short-wave radio; his head was barely visible on the screen as he peeked outside the bathysphere just to hide inside again. “And how are you gonna help me by leaving me here all alone?! Am I the only one looking at that corpse on the floor?! I ain't gonna leave this thing!”  
   
Fontaine couldn't believe it was happening. He sighed, rubbing his eyes. “That is nothing compared to what you're gonna see here in this hell. Now, you can't go back, I'm sorry but that's it. The bathysphere ain't working anymore, so I'm all that you've got left if you wanna get out of here alive.” Fontaine took a deep breath, “now, would you kindly step out of that thing?”  
   
Jack remained in silence and for a second, Fontaine thought everything was lost. Then, very slowly, Jack was walking outside the bathysphere.  He was right about to say something when he froze – there was a woman singing somewhere in the room.  
   
Another splicer.  
   
“Don’t mind her for now, find something you can use to defend yourself, a crowbar or a wrench…” Fontaine quickly added, “would you kindly?”  
   
Even a knife would have been useful in that situation: you slit their throats, cut their limbs…  
   
Jack didn’t seem too happy about it, though. “I don’t wanna kill people!”  
   
_Fuck you, Suchong. Fuck you._  
   
“They’re not people, boyo, they’re crazy monsters. I’ll explain everything to you after you get out of the Restaurant, okay?”  
   
“Oh, so this is what a Restaurant looks like to you?” Jack replied, moving some bags out of his way, “I thought it was some kind of dump.”  
   
The sound of Fontaine’s hand smacking his own face was hard enough to make Jack worried. “Are you still there?” He pushed some buttons on the short-wave radio that started to make strange beeps.  
   
“Yes, boyo. Stop doing whatever you’re doing to that poor radio and find me a weapon.”  
   
“A weapon?”  
   
Fontaine felt the urge to kick something.  
   
_“Yes.”_  
   
Jack took one of the protest sign just to throw it away; he even tried to open one of the abandoned luggage but in vain.  
   
Okay, maybe Suchong had done something wrong, using too much of _who-knew-what_ while he was making Jack; or maybe Fontaine had to blame Andrew Ryan’s genes. The point was that Jack Ryan didn’t look like a genius… And time was running out.  
   
“There should be something you can use in the Lounge, don’t let me down, come on.”  
   
“HERE! Here it is!” Jack had found a heavy wrench, but his enthusiasm was gone soon. “Hopefully, I won’t use it…”  
   
You wish, Fontaine wanted to say as he rolled his eyes; he looked at the boy studying the room, taking what he thought it could be useful.  
   
Suddenly he stopped again.  
   
_What now?!_  
   
"Atlas, there's a snack bar on a table."  
   
Yes, there was a chocolate bar still wrapped on a broken plate. "You can eat whatever you wanna eat, boyo," Fontaine tried to sound even more like his Atlas persona, "go for it."  
   
"You sure? I mean, it's been a year this place is like this... New Year's Eve 1959... Shit." Jack whistled, "a whole year? You've been down here for all this time?"  
   
If Frank Fontaine had had the chance to talk to Andrew Ryan, he would have told him that the video in the bathysphere wasn't so clear after all.  
   
"You watched the video coming down here, didn't you?"  
   
Jack caught, nervously answering, "well, I was shocked, you know. I'm _still_ shocked."  
   
"Forget 'bout it." Fontaine just wanted him to teleport right into Andrew Ryan's office. "Keep on moving, boyo."


	2. Rewriting Your Genome

   
Fontaine was glad he was a good actor as he had convinced Jack to help this poor Atlas to save his family in Neptune's Bounty; now, Jack didn't wine too much as he had a heart somewhere under those muscles.  
   
The young boy managed to get to the Gathers Garden machine where he would have found some precious ADAM ready to be used. Reluctantly, he got on the stairs, looking at it with mild interest.  
   
"So, this is ADAM?" He asked, caressing the machine. "They look like perfume bottles. Strawberry perfume."  
   
Well, that was the first time he had ever heard it. _Strawberry_ perfume bottles, that was crazy.  
   
"Yes, go along. You’ll need it if you wanna live ‘round here.”  
   
Jack took one of the syringe to inject the ADAM, looking at it closely; then, he shook his head.  
   
"I ain't gonna inject some glowing red liquid in my veins!" Jack turned his back to the machine, "I don't like needles."  
   
Fontaine resisted the urge to laugh as he remembered how many needles were into Jack's tiny body when he used to be a little lab rat.  
   
“I know that’s a lot to ask,” Fontaine made a dramatic pause, “but trust me, boyo. It won’t hurt you, you’ve never taken anything like that before. It’s just to make sure you won’t be risking too much… The wrench won’t be enough.”  
   
Jack sighed, toying with the syringe in his hand. “What’s gonna happen if I’m allergic to it?” He asked as if it was a matter of life or death.  
   
Fontaine snorted, “you’re gonna be just fine, boyo. Would you kindly get over it?”  
   
The boy rolled up his sleeves, putting the needle on his white skin. “I’m not so sure,” he murmured, “it sicks me.” As Fontaine had used the WYK words, Jack finally injected the ADAM into his wrist... When the syringe was empty, Jack groaned.  
   
"Steady now! Your genetic code is being rewritten! Just hold on and everything will be fine!"  
   
That was easier said than done: Jack screamed in anguish as he looked down at his own hands, his whole body shaking. Then, he fell off the balcony in panic, passing out on the dirty floor.  
   
Fontaine covered his eyes: that was it, that idiot had just broken his neck! Not that Jack’s death would have been a big deal as he could come back to life in those Vita-Chambers. He watched helplessly at some splicers kneeling next to Jack’s  unconscious body but they didn’t harm him… and not even the Little Sister wanted to take his ADAM from his stomach. She walked away with her Big Daddy, singing one of those creepy lullabies they liked so much.  
   
Jack was still alive.  
   
“You’re all right, boyo?” Fontaine talked through the short-wave radio as soon as he saw the boy moving, “First time Plasmid’s a real kick from a mule. But… there’s nothing like a fistful of lightening, now is there?”  
   
Jack groaned. “My heads hurts.”  
   
“Yeah, well, it could have been worse.”


	3. The Vita-Chamber Situation

Things didn't get easier at all for Frank Fontaine: he was trying to follow his plan step by step, but Jack was making it difficult. Every time he heard would you kindly he obeyed, but only after making extenuating questions. It was a real miracle he kept his mouth shut when he saw a Little Sister with his Big Daddy killing a splicer.  
   
"Okay, that was brutal." Jack swallowed, stumbling over some rocks. "Is there anyone who's still human in here? You're sure you're a human?"  
   
Fontaine watched him, feeling a little dead inside. "I'm still a man, don't worry. I've never used ADAM, I've never wanted to become like those splicers you met."  
   
Jack hummed, looking at the dead monster on the floor. He tightened his hand around the wrench and kept on walking.  “Yeah, well, let’s hope I won’t be the one ending up like that.”  
   
They couldn’t keep on talking as two splicers came out from nowhere beating Jack to death.  
   
Well, it escalated quickly.  
   
“Oh, come on!” Fontaine shouted. He threw the short-wave radio against the screen and folded his arms.  
   
After two minutes and thirty-four seconds, Jack Ryan opened the Vita Chamber door, falling out of it with a loud shout.  
   
“What was THAT?” He turned on his back to have a better look of the Vita Chamber. “I-I was dead and then…”  
   
“Then, here you are! Would you kindly get up on your feet, boyo? We need to save my family.”  
   
The bad experience was forgotten: if Fontaine had to explain him everything in Rapture, they would have been there for ages just talking about the pipes.  
   
"Do they use those Vita-Chambers too?"  
   
Fontaine took a deep breath. “No, boyo. Now, go.”


	4. Medical Pavillion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may have written something more for this nonsense, after all this time!

That was just the beginning.  
  
The submarine-story didn’t work so well as Andrew Ryan was still watching all their moves, so that Neptune Bounty had become a big NO. Jack nearly got killed for the hundredth time, but he miraculously got to the Medical Pavillon unharmed.  
   
Anyway, things couldn’t go as Fontaine had planned them: security cams didn’t work too well, so he couldn’t look after Jack like he would have done.  
   
The boy had said that he had found a new Plasmid – _Incinerate!_ – which would have been really helpful if only he had been a smart guy, but at that point it was clear he was not. Fontaine had lost hope.  
   
“Okay, here’s the situation. I’m stuck in a room full of gasoline, splicers all around me. They’re gonna break the windows,” Jack said suddenly, “what do I do?”  
   
“Set the gas on fire.”  
   
“But I’m the room!”  
   
“Get on a desk or something and set the gas on fire, the splicers will burn, would you kindly?”  
   
_Now, if had also to explain him how to get on a desk, I don’t wanna know what’s gonna happen next._  
   
There was a loud blast, somebody screamed – _please, don’t tell me it was Jack_ – and then...  
   
“Atlas?” Jack coughed a couple of times.  
   
“Boyo! Are you okay?”  
   
“Uh- yes, I guess... I mean, there was so much fire and then I think I got burned? Like, I-can’t-feel-my-face burned.”  
   
Fontaine groaned as he really wished for the day to end as soon as possible.  
   
Thankfully Dr. Steinman wasn’t so hard to kill in the end. He tripped on a corpse and killed himself banging his head accidentally.  
   
“Atlas! I’ve got the key!”  
   
_Hooray._


	5. Fort Frolic Accident

“Stupid cams, stupid radio, stupid fuckin’ city,” Fontaine tried to push all the buttons he could reach from where he was sitting, but nothing seemed to work, not even Jack’s short-wave radio. If that wasn’t enough, the kid had got lost somewhere in Fort Frolic. Of all the places, Fort Frolic.  
   
_Fort Frolic._  
  
Great.  
   
“Hi, Cohen? That’s Atlas talking here.”  
   
“La, la, la… The man of the revolution needs my help, perhaps? Is there something you need from a humble artist?”  
   
In the background Fontaine heard somebody who was screaming  and that couldn’t be just Cohen’s classical music.  
   
“I believe you’ve met a friend of mine, Jack. Is he there?”  
   
Cohen laughed like the maniac he had always been, “oh, no, no, no, we haven’t met yet, my dear. I am in the middle of an important piano lesson with my young disciple, Fitzpatrick!”  
   
“Alright, alright, whatever. Can you-” but Fontaine couldn’t end his sentence as there was a loud explosion which was so powerful it shook even Fontaine’s chair. “What the-?!”  
   
“Atlas?” It was Jack, finally talking to his short-wave radio, “Atlas, are you there?”  
   
“Boyo, would you kindly tell me what happened?”  
   
“Uh…” Something crashed and exploded in the background… Was that the sound of something burning?  “I think I may have shot the piano which was full of explosive and then I also shot Cohen in the head at the same time...?”  
   
“Wait, what?” That had been a brilliant idea, too brilliant even for Jack.  
   
“I found a new weapon, some kind of machine gun I think, and I wanted to try it so… yeah… Did I do something wrong? ‘Cause I think I killed somebody accidentally… Oh, man, that’s terrible.”  
   
Frank Fontaine had lots of unanswered questions. At least Cohen was dead once for all. “Move along, boyo, please.”  
   
_And please don’t kill yourself too many times, you could become even more stupid than you are already._  
   
“But-”  
   
“Would you kindly get on with it?”  
   
_He’s nearly there. He’s nearly there. It’ll be over soon._  
   
“Okay, but I don’t know if keeping the machine gun it's a good thing, you know… I’m still getting used to kill and make things explode with my bare hands....”  
   
Fontaine groaned.  
   
Wherever Suchong was, he hoped he was suffering.


	6. Explosive Hephaestus

“Let it all out, boyo, it’ll end soon,” Fontaine commented as he watched Jack vomiting on the floor of Hephaestus. He had been killed by a Big Daddy as soon as he had got out from Fort Frolic.  
   
 _As if this torture would ever end…_  
   
“I wanna say something, Atlas,” Jack panted, “I hate this Vita Chamber thing.”  
   
Fontaine looked up, focusing on the ceiling of his hiding. He should have redecorated it or maybe he could have painted all black when he had the chance.  
   
“Atlas? Are you there?”  
   
 _No. I’m not here anymore, I’m far far away from your nonsense, kid._ “Hey, boyo, listen, would you kindly head to Ryan's Office and kill the son of a bitch?” He tried to not to lose his temper, but enough was enough! He had started thinking about redecorating walls! It was clear that if he had kept on talking to Jack, he would have become an idiot, maybe turning into one of those Splicers even without taking Adam.  
   
“Uh, well, that’s the plan, I know, I know. I’m trying to get to him, but he blocked every room, every corridor!” Jack scratched his head, looking to his right and then to his left. “I don’t know what to do, I’m stuck here!”  
   
Fontaine took a deep, _deep_ , breath. “Would you kindly shut up for a moment, boyo? I need to think.”  
   
“But…”  
   
“Shut. Up. Thank you.”  
   
In that very moment, Andrew Ryan laughed, “so this is the little revolution man who wants to kill me, uh? I’m having trouble to believe to this façade, but I’ll stay right here inside my office, enjoying this petty circus you made, nice job Atlas.”  
   
“I’m gonna break down your office door, Ryan!” Jack couldn’t keep his mouth shut, “do you hear me? I’m coming!” There was no answer but Jack seemed to ignore that as he kept on talking anyway, “I’m gonna save this city!”  
   
Fontaine sighed, “he can’t hear you, boyo.”  
   
Jack, instead of doing something clever, decided to use his grenade launcher against the main doors.  
   
Fontaine shouted, “NO!”, but it was too late: the grenade bounced on the metal door, exploding right in Jack’s face.  
   
Fontaine couldn’t believe it. It had happened again.  
   
Jack got out the nearest Vita Chamber once again, throwing up some more of the alcohol he had drunk not so long before. “I should really stop drinking, you know?”  
   
There was an uneasy silence, but on the other hand, the doors had opened.  
   
Jack cough, “A-Atlas?”  
   
“Move along, boyo.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm also on tumblr! [ http://writing-in-rapture.tumblr.com/](http://writing-in-rapture.tumblr.com)


End file.
